The Chopped Salad

As I write this installment of my blog, I am on vacation in Bonita Springs, FL. I am from Chicago, where it is expected to reach a high of 12' today. When I went to Sam's Club and Publix to load up on groceries it was 81' this afternoon. To call this place "paradise" is a total understatement, but then any place is paradise compared to the craziness at work now with the holiday bonus cards. So why write my blog while I am on vacation? Because I am a disturbed individual and I need to vent! Just kidding. I made a goal to write an entry every day while I was out of town free from my daily distractions like work, my dogs, my parrot and the phone ringing nonstop every time I attempt to wrote in this diary.

My goal is to write every day, but at the end of the vacation we will see just how many of my tales will have wound up in my blog. Today is Day#1 and I am finally writing down an episode entitled "The Chopped Salad". The story was written "in my head" months ago. I just didn't have the time to put it on the blog until now.

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The restaurant I work at has one of the most amazing chopped salads that I have ever encountered. I am not exaggerating when I say that it is perhaps one of man's finest culinary achievements---in the category of "salads". The salad has depth and character from the first delicious fork full until the last morsel is devoured.

The way it was intended to be served was:
---mixture of iceberg lettuce and romaine.
---scallions.
---bacon.
---spit-roasted herb marinated chicken breast.
---tomatoes.
---fresh corn.
---bleu cheese crumbles.
---tortilla strips.
All ingredients are tossed in a salad bowl with a home made citrus vinaigrette dressing and finally topped with fresh, ripe avocado.

That was how the powers that be INTENDED it to be served, but I can guarantee you that IF somebody ordered it how it was intended to be served, the manager would practically do a double-take! And the thing is, I can understand modifying it slightly. I can understand it if you keep Kosher and don't eat bacon. I can understand it if your daughter doesn't like the adult taste of bleu cheese crumbles. I can understand it if your son doesn't like tomatoes. It is easy to put something on the side, or to skip something like the scallions. What I don't understand is people's idea that they can come in and custom order a salad like it was on the assembly line at Subway ($5 footlongs---YEAH BABY!!!!).

On one of my first shifts at the new restaurant I had a lady actually make 9 modifications on the chopped salad. She didn't want chicken or bacon, but instead wanted us to substitute grilled shrimp like they use on the Greek Shrimp Salad EXCEPT she didn't want the shrimp seasoned that way. She wanted it to be seasoned with olive oil, lemon and pepper. Then she didn't want the iceberg/romaine mix. She wanted exclusively romaine lettuce. She didn't want the chopped tomatoes, but instead wanted the plum tomatoes, like they used on the steak and bleu cheese salad. She didn't want the pungent bleu cheese, but wanted the goat cheese in it's place. As for dressings (DEAR GOD) she didn't want the salad mixed with the citrus. Instead she wanted citrus dressing on the side, with 1000 Island dressing on the side with the house vinaigrette also on the side. A few other "minor" custom alterations and we were almost there.

As there were numerous modifications, I decided it would be best to put a SEE ME on the salad ticket, so I could attempt to explain this crazy ladies idea of a chopped salad to the poor girl working in the salad station. As I approached the salad station I noticed Lupita had a look on her face like if she weren't only 5' tall she would hurdle the counter top separating us and stick a set of salad tongs up my ass. I literally spent 5 minutes explaining this ladies custom salad to Lupita and then the kitchen manager had to get involved. That is never a good sign! Finally they looked at me and acknowledged like they understood. "No way in hell this ladies salad comes out like she wants it.", I thought to myself.

Now I had to go tell the lady that there would be a charge to substitute grilled shrimp for the bacon and spit-roasted chicken breast. "WHAT? WHY IS THERE A CHARGE? I AM NOT EATING THE BACON OR CHICKEN.". I tried to reason with her that they had to charge for the shrimp as it was an extra ingredient not normally found on the world famous chopped salad. I pointed out that there would be a similar charge if she were to ask for the tenderloin tips instead of the chicken and bacon. "I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE TENDERLOIN TIP. I WANT THE GRILLED SHRIMP!". At this point I realize the severity of her madness and say my favorite "Get out of jail card", "That is not a decision I am allowed to make. Let me get the manager for you, Ma'am.". She nods her red face with her arms crossed like a spoiled little princess used to getting her way.

I look around the dance floor to see my options. One manager is already at a different table dealing with a crisis. The second manager is on the phone with a guest. My options are limited, so I go to Marv. I quickly explain the situation to ole' Marv and he listens intensely. He looks over at the lady and rolls his eyes. "Give her the shrimp....." he says. He has dealt with this crazy lady before and doesn't want to argue with her. Most managers prefer to avoid controversy, or angry guests at all costs. Game over. Crazy lady 1, my restaurant 0.

I inform crazy salad lady that she will be able to have the grilled shrimp at no extra charge. She smiles and looks at me like, "I told you so!". All in a days work. In regards to our magnificent chopped salad, there is a button in the computers modification section that is "EOS", which means EVERYTHING on the side. Personally I like when people order EOS because it makes my job a lot easier. All I have to do is walk to the table, place the ramekins of all the individual sides of avocado, bacon, scallions, chicken, tomatoes, tortilla strips, scallions, dressing and corn on the table and throw a small pile of lettuce in every bodies bowl and walk away and laugh. Now I don't have to hear, "You gave him all the bleu cheese" or "I didn't get any avocados" or any other whiny complaints you can imagine.

Another thing I hate is when some lady has some ridiculous "requests" (or DEMANDS, let's be honest!) for her salad and forgets to mention one of them to me. One thing about me is I ALWAYS repeat orders to the guests. One reason is I don't like to make mistakes, so I repeat EVERYTHING. The other reason is that I am somewhat hard of hearing, so I repeat EVERY part of the order as a means of accuracy. So this one crazy lady asks for a Greek shrimp salad with no yogurt sauce, no red onions, no roasted garlic and instead of the goat cheese she wants bleu cheese. She also wanted the flat bread on the side, so it didn't get soggy! There might have been a few other demands, I cannot remember.

After repeating every modification she had given me I raced to the computer to enter the order. After Lupita shot me another look to kill I served the salad. As I was dishing it out she blabs out "I WANTED DRESSING ON THE SIDE!". "Then why didn't you ask me for dressing on the side?", I asked her. "I repeated every special detail you gave me, and you didn't say anything about dressing on the side." "I forgot.", she said. No apology. No nothing. I wanted to take that Greek shrimp salad and dump it on her head. THANKS FOR ALL THE EXTRA WORK I HAVE TO DO NOW, BITCH!

As I walk over to Lupita's station with the heavily modified salad in my hand she has this look like, "Oh no you di'in't" and another look like I was about to get a pair of salad tongs in a very uncomfortable place. Then I had to tell the manager another COMP for the restaurant---which means a loss of product or sales. This situation was unacceptable because I read her back all of the special specs she wanted for her salad. It is not the restaurant's fault she forgot to say "Dressing on the side.". Or "Please", for that matter. At the very least she should have apologized for the inconveniences she caused the restaurant.

The Chopped Salad. Man's greatest culinary achievement, or the biggest pain in my ass?