Acts of God

Did you ever hear the expression, "Hey, shit happens."? Well "things" do happen, and some of them are, unfortunately, out of our control. You have no control if a lightning storm blows out a circuit board at Com Ed and an entire city block is in the dark. You have no control if a tool bag lost by some careless astronaut falls out of orbit, and smashes through your windshield. You have no control over earthquakes, droughts, floods, hurricanes or tornadoes.

Even though we have no control over any of the previously mentioned natural catastrophes, you should hear what goes on in a restaurant when any of these situations occur. Years ago when I worked at "The Crabhouse", a construction worker cut the main water supply line right in front of our restaurant. The result was the restaurant (and the entire village of Wheeling) lost it's water.

Although this might not seem like much to the average person, consider that without water you cannot wash your hands. Also consider that the kitchen staff making your food CANNOT WASH THEIR HANDS. Without water we cannot steam lobsters, or clean dirty dishes or cooking utensils. You cannot go to the bathroom because the toilets won't flush and, you cannot wash your hands. Get the idea? The Illinois Board of Health will NOT let a restaurant operate without running water/supplied water.

So on this wonderful September evening our restaurant was closed at around 6:30. This didn't happen because the owners forgot to pay a water bill or for any negligence of the owner or managers. It was an Act of God. There was not a damn thing we could do about it. That's it, case closed, the restaurant is closed. You should have heard the fuss and stink the customers whined. "I have out of town guests...". "I am entertaining potential clients...". "But we haven't gotten our entries yet!". You name it, people were bitching about it.

The house (a.k.a. "the restaurant") lost big that night. Not only did we lose ALL potential sales that would have happened between 6:30 and when we closed at 10:30, the managers had to comp appetizers, comp drinks, comp entire checks, give gift certificates or I.O. U.'s, whatever they had to do to silence the unreasonable customers. An entire night was written off.

Fast forward to the summer of 2008. The new restaurant I work at has a wood burning oven and a wood burning rotisserie. That is part of the magic as to why the food tastes so good. Anyways, one Saturday night there was a terrible electrical storm going on, complete with flash flooding type of rains that you can only get in the Midwest! BAMM! The sound of striking lightning and the lights went out. Almost immediately the generator kicked on and the emergency flood lights kicked on. Within maybe 30 seconds all of our power had been restored, but it was too late. The damage was done.

When the power went out the exhaust fans and fan blowers stopped working. When that happened the smoke from the wood burning oven and rotisserie instantly started filling the dining room. Within moments the place was cloudy and you could definitely taste the wild fire burning taste in your mouth. Within a minute or so the place was so smokey you could hardly see, and breathing was an absolute labor. The kitchen had no choice but to extinguish the two fires and turn off the grills and broilers.

When the power came back it didn't matter---the kitchen was rendered inoperable. The first thing the managers did was open all emergency doors and use the blowers they use to dry the floors or carpets to air out the smokey restaurant. The next thing they did was have an emergency meeting with the kitchen managers. The prognosis: When the kitchen staff had to cut the ovens and wood burning sections of the kitchen, they had in effect closed the restaurant. After they extinguished the wood burning parts, it takes HOURS to get the wood burning correctly with the proper amount of coals, wood and fire. HOURS.

An emergency meeting with the food servers told us the restaurant was CLOSED. Every check for every table that was in the dining room was ON THE HOUSE. Yes, that's right. If you and your party had a $200 bottle of Opus One and another $150 in appetizers but did not get your entries, your meal was on the house!

You MIGHT think the free checks might have satisfied some of our fickle clientele, but you would be WAY WRONG. The three managers walked around the restaurant with their pads to write down every name of every disgruntled guest, and to give the upset customers a business card so that they could get some V.I.P. treatment on their next meal with us. The three boys had the look in their eyes like they had to bear the "good news" of having all F's on their report card and having to show their folks. In other words, each one of them had the look that they were about to be fed to the lions. That death could not come soon enough.

"Stuart, I need you to go to table 54. The guys PISSED!". "Marv, I need you to go to 70, he's DEMANDING to see a manager now!". "Sam, the lady at 92 is a GOLD CARD MEMBER and demands to speak with a manager....". OY VEY! You literally could not pay me enough money in the world to have to deal with those miserable whiny assholes. I couldn't even imagine. If my girlfriend and I were having dinner and there was an Act of God like that, I'd honestly be thinking, "Hey, that's two Bacardi and Diet cokes and two glasses of Merlot and $20 worth of appetizers...." and I'd duke the server a cool $20 and call it a good night. Not these people!

I saw some super animated customer stand up and make a big scene. His face was red like a lobster as he yelled at the poor manager. "YOU ruined my 30 year Anniversary!" he shouted to Stuart. I was thinking, "Yeah sir you are absolutely right. This young manager did ruin your entire evening. He purposely made the rain and lightning storm and had the circuit boards go out so the wood burning ovens would overwhelm us with smoke...". The guy went on about how Stuart and our restaurant RUINED his 30 year Anniversary. Now I was thinking more like, "The only thing to ruin 30 years of marriage was YOU, YOU ASSHOLE!". What an unbelievable schmuck!

Stuart had to comp this guy and basically give him a carte blanche I.O.U. for a return visit. I don't know the outcome, but I would bet a MILLION DOLLARS when this schmuck returned he didn't just bring his lovely wife of 30 years. I would bet in typical swine fashion he brought his wife, kids, maybe their spouses or grandchildren. Or maybe he and his lovely bride of 30 years would bring another couple and they would indulge in expensive BOTTLES of wine and the most expensive items on the menu---on the house. Some of these people still mention this incident now---nearly 9 months later---so the manager might come by you and mumble "Buy table 54 a spinach dip appetizer on us...". Is there no end? What is the statute of limitations to drop an event like that? Do you think ANY of those people deserved their meals comped AND and additional meal on the house? I don't get it....

My last point to make has to do with that crazy emergency landing that Captain Sully did with that jumbo jet airplane on the Hudson river a few weeks ago. From my understanding, birds got sucked into one of the jets turbine engines and stopped the plane dead in it's tracks (or flight!). A hero named Captain Sully emerged and was miraculously able to dead stick the disabled plane in an emergency landing on the Hudson river.

Now this is an Act of God----a natural catastrophe. The engine didn't fail because the mechanic forgot to put the lid back on the oil dipstick or something stupid like that. There is no way to plan or account for the flight of the birds. SO anyways, this guy named Captain Sully lands the plane on the Hudson with ZERO fatalities. A few weeks later we read in newspaper on on Internet that the airlines attempted to settle with the passengers by offering each passenger $5,000 cash and a lifetime of upgrades to 1st class. The passengers answer? THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!!!

This is something I wish I could sink my teeth into and answer on behalf of the airlines: "WHAT THE F--- DO YOU PEOPLE WANT HERE? You were given the GREATEST gift of all---your miserable LIFE'S. Would you rather have your life that was saved by Captain Sully, or would you rather your children receive $1 million for losing a father, or a mother, or a Grandmother, or an Indian Voo Doo Witchdoctor.....?". You hit the lottery with a miracle crash landing----not with extorting a profit from the already bankrupt airline industry. Plus you have a lifelong story to tell at family gatherings, weddings, bars and to anybody else that will listen. Like the credit card company says, "That's priceless!". Thank God and Captain Sully for your pathetic lives and be grateful. Don't piss and moan and think you are owed some jackpot or a life of luxury.

I don't get these people....