Merry Christmas, Lady!

Holidays. What can a server say about them? They bring out the best and the worst in people, and can definitely push the operation of the restaurant to the extremes. The 4th of July is usually very slowwwwwww and not lots of action. Servers, bartenders, busboys and hosts stand around until they have cobwebs attaching them to the wall they are leaning up against waiting for that first table.... Other holidays are insanely busy and the action in the restaurant is literally bursting at the seems. Christmas Eve is one of those nights.

On a GOOD Saturday night my restaurant usually has 600+ reservations in the books (reservation books). Last night (Christmas Eve) my restaurant had almost 900 reservations, not counting walk-in business. In English, that means "we are going to be VERY busy tonight". We were.

On holidays I have noticed that some people are walking on clouds and acting like they won the lottery. Others take this time to show how truly miserable they are. These people can make Ebenezer Scrooge look like Mother Theresa!!!!! Last night in the middle of all of the craziness I had one of my most frustrating tables in the history of my waiting tables. For me to say that is something really serious, as I have encountered some of the most problematic, deeply disturbed individuals that you probably could not imagine during my career in the customer service industry. This lady was up there---maybe in the top 5 A-holes. Maybe she was in the top 3. I don't know. I'd like to forget it, but I can't.

To start off my evening, I was supposed to come in at 4PM for my Christmas Eve dinner shift. The manager called me and asked me if I could come in earlier as it was getting busy already, and I had a request. I got there nice and early to check out my station, do my side work* (that's another Blog) and get ready for a HUGE night. My request got there and I immediately remembered this guy. When a server remembers a table it is usually for a good reason, as in this table tips FAT $$$, or as in bad as in "Oh no, not THEM again!". This table was on the border of "Oh no, not them again!" as they were a very high maintenance table.

The first time I waited on them the guy blurted out his demands (not order or request, his DEMANDS) on how he wanted his drink, served with this, and bring this to the table, and he wanted that.... I told him that 3 of his demands were not available in our restaurant. He blurted out, "You're pissing me off already!" and his face turned bright lobster red. Long story short, I won this tough guy and his family over, so they request me on Christmas Eve. I soon meet his equally demanding family and know my night is starting off behind the 8 ball.

I think "crazy lady" came in around 5:30 or 6. I don't know. As I approached the table with the customary breadboard and say the customary schpiel, I immediately noticed this lady was disturbed. I have an amazing ability to identify disturbed or crazy people---it is almost uncanny. She interrupts my schpiel and says, "Yeah, we've been here before. He'll have lemonade, he'll have sprite and she'll have diet coke. I want a wine". "What kind of wine?" I asked her. "I don't know...." she mumbled. As I stood there for an uncomfortable amount of time she looked over the wine list. She asked me what red zinfandel's we had by the glass. I answered her with the Simi and the Ravenswood. "You don't have Simi by the glass!" she barked. "Yes we do, Ma'am. It's right there." I said as I pointed to the glass of wine on the wine list. "I HATE Ravenswood. Get me a sample of the Simi." she ordered.

Now as ANY food server can attest, it is generally not a good thing when a customer starts asking for a sample or taste of a wine. It is a pain in the ass to go to the bartender, stand in line until she barks "WHAT DO YOU WANT?". Merry Christmas to you too! "Table 71 wants a sample of Simi, please." I beg. The bartender---who is also insanely busy---makes a big deal about having to get a sample of my crazy ladies wine. The bartender probably knows the schtick about people "sampling" or tasting wines. Some low life's expect to taste 4 or 5 different wines before they order one glass! NO WAY! This isn't some wine taste-testing like at the liquor store.

Anyways, I bring crazy lady the glass of Simi. It is literally half a shot of wine, yet she is swirling her glass and sniffing her beverage like a Bloodhound. She takes a very small first sip. Waits a moment while I am standing there and her poor family are held captive. Then she takes a second sip. One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. "Yeah, I'll take a bottle of that. Oh, and I want the BIG glasses. I know I am not buying an expensive bottle of wine, but I want the reserve glasses----IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!" she blurts out.

"OY VEY!", I think to myself. I really can't say too much else about specifics on this table, but her one kid had some serious allergies to nuts and other foods. When she ordered their salad they wanted no bacon, no blue cheese, avocados, tomatoes and dressing on the side. "Did you get that?", she asked me very condescending. "Yes ma'am", I replied. "Then read it back!" she demanded. "No bacon, no blue cheese with the avocados, tomatoes and dressing on the side." She didn't even respond or say "Correct".

I noticed I had three tables that had paid their checks that were in the process of clearing out. I tried to get the table to order. "We're not ready yet!", she barks. I go to the other three tables and do more table-maintenance (clearing glasses and plates, etc). Five minutes later when her family is done with their modified salads I again try to take the tables order. "We're not ready yet!" she angrily barks. "Ma'am, I would like to take your order now. I don't have to put it into the computer yet, but with your sons allergies there are several precautionary steps we take in the kitchen that are time consuming." I plead with her. "WE ARE NOT READY YET!" she replied as she went to the bathroom for the fifth time or so.

When someone goes to the bathroom every 10 minutes they are either 1) Puking up their food in an anorexic sick way, like this crazy lady looked. 2) Text messaging someone else while they are on a date. 3) Smoking a cigarette, or doing cocaine... or 4) Really having to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes! I think crazy lady was a puker. She had a very skinny appearance and was definitely a few french fries short of a happy meal!

Anyways, they finally order their painstakingly modified orders and I enter them in the computer, and go to the chef to tell whim what all of my modifiers mean. He looks at me like "Are you serious, man?".

Blah blah blah. Food finally comes out, and surprisingly it is not to crazy ladies satisfaction. Surprise! They finally eat their food and I bring out the birthday cake and go over the dessert tray. I dunno, maybe she had a decaf coffee, I couldn't say. Finally she asks for the check. Finally I drop the check. After mulling over the check for what seemed like an eternity, she gives me the check presenter. "This is $100 debit gift card. Put the rest on my master card. Oh, and DON'T FORGET MY FREQUENT DINER POINTS!".

I go to the computer and stand in line for what seems like forever. I swipe the $100 debit gift card for $100----DECLINE. I now swipe the $100 debit gift card for $80. Accepted! I then was able to close it out for the $100 that it was worth. Don't ask. That is how those VERY frustrating debit gift cards work in a restaurant. SO I close it out for $100 and run her credit card for the balance. I drop off her frequent diner card with her credit card and paperwork. She looked very confused. Something was wrong between taking off the gift card and the taxes it charged.... She asked me in a hazy sounding, buzzed voice. I didn't have an answer why her totals were off by a few dollars. I told her I'd find the manager.

At this point I was so in the weeds that I couldn't get out with a Weed Whacker! I went to my other three tables that were suffering incredibly while I had been giving crazy lady nearly 100% of my time.... I went back to the manager. He didn't have a clue why the amounts where different. I went back to the crazy lady---who by now was the only person left at her table---and told her the manager was trying to fix it, and would be right by with her credit cards when I figured out what happened, and fixed it. She looked like she was going to fall asleep at the table, but was still irate enough to piss and moan her dissatisfaction.

I explained to her that the $100 debit gift card was declined for $100, so I had it pre authorized for $80 and closed it for $100. "THAT'S AWFULLY PRESUMPTUOUS OF YOU THAT I WAS GOING TO TIP YOU $20" she screams. "Ma'am, I didn't tip myself ANYTHING. I tried to close out the gift card for the $100 that YOU TOLD ME TOO!!!!!". What a crazy bitch!

Finally the manager figured out the problem and fixed it. He spent the next 15 minutes talking to her at the table explaining that I did the right thing---closing out the gift card in such a way. Blah, blah, blah. Finally this nightmare of a lady leaves. "Yeah, hurrah! Ding dong, the witch is dead......".

Not so fast, partner! Deeply disturbed, crazy lady came back into the restaurant and claimed I never gave her back her credit card or her frequent diner card. At this point I got triple seated and was too busy to deal with this crazy lady any more. I didn't have her cards. I gave them both to the manager. I ran and found the manager and told him crazy lady was insisting I never gave back her cards. He tore the place apart looking, with the assistance of a second manager and myself. Nobody could find her cards. The lady was beyond irate.

The manager asked her to look through her purse and double check if she had her credit card or frequent diner card. She was pissed! Finally she found BOTH her cards in her purse and turned and walked out the door without apologizing to the manager or staff about accusing us of stealing her cards.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, LADY!!!

FREE REFILLS

Perhaps two of the most troublesome words at a restaurant are "free refills". The concept is very simple----finish your drink, get a refill at no charge. The problem is some of the characters that totally take advantage of this promotion.

First of all, NOBODY needs to drink six to 10 cokes (or sprites, or pink lemonades, or cups of coffee....). It is not healthy to consume that much sugar (or caffeine, or sugar free substitutes, etc), it is not good to drink that much volume in general, and it is not logistically conceivable to keep your beverage cup full all the time from a food servers standpoint. I can 100% guarantee that people don't take advantage of being swines with beverages at restaurants that DON'T give free refills. NOBODY would pay for 6 or 7 cokes. But free refills? BRING IT ON!

A server is very busy getting drinks from the bar, explaining the menu to other tables, prepping tables for salads, getting ready for appetizers, clearing used plates and flatware, splitting table 54's check into four equal parts for the table that wants to split the check (AND split the frequent diner points), or a thousand other things that servers do. It really throws a wrench in the routine if some guy slurps through his seventh coca cola product and rudely shakes his ice cubes in his empty glass as his way of saying "MORE COKE!!!!!". What's the matter buddy, cat got your tongue? Shaking your ice cubes rudely makes you look like a neanderthal. I keep waiting to hear the guests "Hoo hoo hoo" like the apes in the zoo!

It also kills me when I have some "Nestle Quick Rabbit" guy at the table (remember the Nestle Quick Rabbit that could not contain himself and would instantly drink his chocolate milk?). While I am still handing out drinks he has slurped down his entire beverage and is shaking his empty glass and saying "I need another drink...". AT LEAST LET YOUR SERVER HAND OUT EVERYBODY ELSE'S BEVERAGE! What should I do----stop handing out drinks to the rest of your family so that I can run and get you another precious coke? Should I wave my magic wand to have some fairy magically appear and hand you yet another drink?

Another thing that kills me about FREE REFILLS is the people that think they have the right to SHARE the beverage. I have seen it all, and can never believe the cheap skates and the things they pull off:

1) Coffee is NOT a drink to share with your wife or husband....
2) If you have three kids, then you must order three drinks. Don't let the kids blatantly share the beverage and expect free refills for your whole menagerie. And don't take son #1's coke and fill son #2 and daughter #3's sippy cups and demand more coke. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
3) Need a coke to go? If your kid has some left in his or her glass I would be happy to fill it, but asking for full "to go" cups of coke for your entire posse is not in the rules.

Thank you for shopping at (insert restaurant name here)!

The Cynical Server

Hot and Cold......

I never claimed to be a doctor, a physicist or a statistician, but it seems to me that people roughly fall into three categories: Those that are always COLD, those that are always HOT and lastly those that are always comfortable (neither hot nor cold).

An example of always cold: Every year I go to Florida to visit my family. I live in the Midwest, so I am in paradise and generally wearing a t-shirt and khaki shorts---like "normal" people. The weather gets in the upper 80's and VERY humid, but I ALWAYS see some old timer wearing long pants, a long-sleeved shirt AND a sweater. Or full slacks, long-sleeved shirt and tie AND a blazer! I get hot looking at these folks!

An example of always hot: The neighbor out walking her dog when it is snowing out, and she is only wearing a sweat shirt, or a jean jacket. Or your buddy that keeps his place at 68' and walks around in shorts and a t-shirt like he is in Hawaii.

Now that my hypothesis has been carefully laid out, I will give my tip of my incredible insight: KNOW WHICH ONE OF THE THREE TYPES YOU ARE, AND DRESS ACCORDINGLY! It will make your life much easier, and you will be much more comfortable---and much more pleasant to be around.

Here's a revelation: If you are always COLD when you go to (certain restaurant), then wear a sweater. If you are always COLD when you go to the movie theater, bring a sweater or light jacket. Don't make everybody else miserable!

My parents have a cabin in Michigan and I will never forget a miserable situation I got inadvertently hurled into at the local movie theater. One fat lady complained to the manager that she was COLD, so he turned off the Air Conditioning. Trouble was, it was the middle of July and hot and humid in the 90's outside. I want to go to a movie theater (or restaurant) and enjoy myself. I don't want to go to the schvittz! I want to have fun.

I used to work at a restaurant I will call "The Crabhouse" for many years. There was one miserable lady named Cheryl that was one of the biggest complainers in the restaurant. She would routinely send back her salmon THREE TIMES and it still wouldn't be right. One of her other "quirks" was that she was ALWAYS cold. One evening I approached her table, sweating my tail off with sweat literally mopping my hair and dripping down my face. Cheryl said, 'Tell Dan to turn the air off......I'M COLD!!!!".

At this point I said, "No way!". "Look at me Cheryl, I'm dripping in sweat.....it's HOT in here!". I continued, "If you would rather have another server take care of you...." I baited. "Oh no, that will be fine." she replied. You see, her entire miserable family requested me. My station had already been cut and I was done for the evening, but Cheryl and her hubby wanted me to serve them, so they were seated in a section of the dining room that was closed and I was forced to serve them. I didn't want to serve them, and I certainly had other places I'd rather be other than sending this obese walrus' food back a second and third time. After I baited her with another server, she suddenly warmed up.

My point is simple. If Cheryl the Walrus lady is always cold, THEN BRING A FRIGGIN' JACKET. It is very simple. If Customer "B" is always hot, then dress light, or in layers that can be removed if you get too hot. If you are going through menopause that doesn't mean that every other patron in the restaurant must freeze their asses off when you have a hot flash and complain to the manager (who turns off the heat). Conversely, if you have bad circulation and you are always cold, then bring a sweater or even gloves if you are that cold! Don't make the staff and the other customers suffer due to your situation.

Last story.... My friend Jerry was working at Pete Miller's Steakhouse in Wheeling, IL a couple years ago. It was a hot and humid night in August. Jerry's station was on the patio or deck outside. It was hot and very sticky, and the servers outfit was a long-sleeved shirt with tie and suit jacket. Super hot outfit! The lady at Jerry's table complained SHE WAS COLD and wanted Jerry to turn on the heaters (jet-torches attached to the umbrellas outside on the deck to generate heat in late Sept or Oct). "Look lady, it's 85' out here. The manager is NOT going to turn on the heaters for you!"

This lady was a friend of the owner's. Oooooooooooooooooops! Jerry was not working at this restaurant the next night. Moral of the story---this old lady brings a sweater or light jacket and my friend Jerry still has a job!

And is it REALLY that difficult to bring a jacket or dress in layers, or do you just like complaining and bullying the staff around?