Merry Christmas, Lady!

Holidays. What can a server say about them? They bring out the best and the worst in people, and can definitely push the operation of the restaurant to the extremes. The 4th of July is usually very slowwwwwww and not lots of action. Servers, bartenders, busboys and hosts stand around until they have cobwebs attaching them to the wall they are leaning up against waiting for that first table.... Other holidays are insanely busy and the action in the restaurant is literally bursting at the seems. Christmas Eve is one of those nights.

On a GOOD Saturday night my restaurant usually has 600+ reservations in the books (reservation books). Last night (Christmas Eve) my restaurant had almost 900 reservations, not counting walk-in business. In English, that means "we are going to be VERY busy tonight". We were.

On holidays I have noticed that some people are walking on clouds and acting like they won the lottery. Others take this time to show how truly miserable they are. These people can make Ebenezer Scrooge look like Mother Theresa!!!!! Last night in the middle of all of the craziness I had one of my most frustrating tables in the history of my waiting tables. For me to say that is something really serious, as I have encountered some of the most problematic, deeply disturbed individuals that you probably could not imagine during my career in the customer service industry. This lady was up there---maybe in the top 5 A-holes. Maybe she was in the top 3. I don't know. I'd like to forget it, but I can't.

To start off my evening, I was supposed to come in at 4PM for my Christmas Eve dinner shift. The manager called me and asked me if I could come in earlier as it was getting busy already, and I had a request. I got there nice and early to check out my station, do my side work* (that's another Blog) and get ready for a HUGE night. My request got there and I immediately remembered this guy. When a server remembers a table it is usually for a good reason, as in this table tips FAT $$$, or as in bad as in "Oh no, not THEM again!". This table was on the border of "Oh no, not them again!" as they were a very high maintenance table.

The first time I waited on them the guy blurted out his demands (not order or request, his DEMANDS) on how he wanted his drink, served with this, and bring this to the table, and he wanted that.... I told him that 3 of his demands were not available in our restaurant. He blurted out, "You're pissing me off already!" and his face turned bright lobster red. Long story short, I won this tough guy and his family over, so they request me on Christmas Eve. I soon meet his equally demanding family and know my night is starting off behind the 8 ball.

I think "crazy lady" came in around 5:30 or 6. I don't know. As I approached the table with the customary breadboard and say the customary schpiel, I immediately noticed this lady was disturbed. I have an amazing ability to identify disturbed or crazy people---it is almost uncanny. She interrupts my schpiel and says, "Yeah, we've been here before. He'll have lemonade, he'll have sprite and she'll have diet coke. I want a wine". "What kind of wine?" I asked her. "I don't know...." she mumbled. As I stood there for an uncomfortable amount of time she looked over the wine list. She asked me what red zinfandel's we had by the glass. I answered her with the Simi and the Ravenswood. "You don't have Simi by the glass!" she barked. "Yes we do, Ma'am. It's right there." I said as I pointed to the glass of wine on the wine list. "I HATE Ravenswood. Get me a sample of the Simi." she ordered.

Now as ANY food server can attest, it is generally not a good thing when a customer starts asking for a sample or taste of a wine. It is a pain in the ass to go to the bartender, stand in line until she barks "WHAT DO YOU WANT?". Merry Christmas to you too! "Table 71 wants a sample of Simi, please." I beg. The bartender---who is also insanely busy---makes a big deal about having to get a sample of my crazy ladies wine. The bartender probably knows the schtick about people "sampling" or tasting wines. Some low life's expect to taste 4 or 5 different wines before they order one glass! NO WAY! This isn't some wine taste-testing like at the liquor store.

Anyways, I bring crazy lady the glass of Simi. It is literally half a shot of wine, yet she is swirling her glass and sniffing her beverage like a Bloodhound. She takes a very small first sip. Waits a moment while I am standing there and her poor family are held captive. Then she takes a second sip. One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. "Yeah, I'll take a bottle of that. Oh, and I want the BIG glasses. I know I am not buying an expensive bottle of wine, but I want the reserve glasses----IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!" she blurts out.

"OY VEY!", I think to myself. I really can't say too much else about specifics on this table, but her one kid had some serious allergies to nuts and other foods. When she ordered their salad they wanted no bacon, no blue cheese, avocados, tomatoes and dressing on the side. "Did you get that?", she asked me very condescending. "Yes ma'am", I replied. "Then read it back!" she demanded. "No bacon, no blue cheese with the avocados, tomatoes and dressing on the side." She didn't even respond or say "Correct".

I noticed I had three tables that had paid their checks that were in the process of clearing out. I tried to get the table to order. "We're not ready yet!", she barks. I go to the other three tables and do more table-maintenance (clearing glasses and plates, etc). Five minutes later when her family is done with their modified salads I again try to take the tables order. "We're not ready yet!" she angrily barks. "Ma'am, I would like to take your order now. I don't have to put it into the computer yet, but with your sons allergies there are several precautionary steps we take in the kitchen that are time consuming." I plead with her. "WE ARE NOT READY YET!" she replied as she went to the bathroom for the fifth time or so.

When someone goes to the bathroom every 10 minutes they are either 1) Puking up their food in an anorexic sick way, like this crazy lady looked. 2) Text messaging someone else while they are on a date. 3) Smoking a cigarette, or doing cocaine... or 4) Really having to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes! I think crazy lady was a puker. She had a very skinny appearance and was definitely a few french fries short of a happy meal!

Anyways, they finally order their painstakingly modified orders and I enter them in the computer, and go to the chef to tell whim what all of my modifiers mean. He looks at me like "Are you serious, man?".

Blah blah blah. Food finally comes out, and surprisingly it is not to crazy ladies satisfaction. Surprise! They finally eat their food and I bring out the birthday cake and go over the dessert tray. I dunno, maybe she had a decaf coffee, I couldn't say. Finally she asks for the check. Finally I drop the check. After mulling over the check for what seemed like an eternity, she gives me the check presenter. "This is $100 debit gift card. Put the rest on my master card. Oh, and DON'T FORGET MY FREQUENT DINER POINTS!".

I go to the computer and stand in line for what seems like forever. I swipe the $100 debit gift card for $100----DECLINE. I now swipe the $100 debit gift card for $80. Accepted! I then was able to close it out for the $100 that it was worth. Don't ask. That is how those VERY frustrating debit gift cards work in a restaurant. SO I close it out for $100 and run her credit card for the balance. I drop off her frequent diner card with her credit card and paperwork. She looked very confused. Something was wrong between taking off the gift card and the taxes it charged.... She asked me in a hazy sounding, buzzed voice. I didn't have an answer why her totals were off by a few dollars. I told her I'd find the manager.

At this point I was so in the weeds that I couldn't get out with a Weed Whacker! I went to my other three tables that were suffering incredibly while I had been giving crazy lady nearly 100% of my time.... I went back to the manager. He didn't have a clue why the amounts where different. I went back to the crazy lady---who by now was the only person left at her table---and told her the manager was trying to fix it, and would be right by with her credit cards when I figured out what happened, and fixed it. She looked like she was going to fall asleep at the table, but was still irate enough to piss and moan her dissatisfaction.

I explained to her that the $100 debit gift card was declined for $100, so I had it pre authorized for $80 and closed it for $100. "THAT'S AWFULLY PRESUMPTUOUS OF YOU THAT I WAS GOING TO TIP YOU $20" she screams. "Ma'am, I didn't tip myself ANYTHING. I tried to close out the gift card for the $100 that YOU TOLD ME TOO!!!!!". What a crazy bitch!

Finally the manager figured out the problem and fixed it. He spent the next 15 minutes talking to her at the table explaining that I did the right thing---closing out the gift card in such a way. Blah, blah, blah. Finally this nightmare of a lady leaves. "Yeah, hurrah! Ding dong, the witch is dead......".

Not so fast, partner! Deeply disturbed, crazy lady came back into the restaurant and claimed I never gave her back her credit card or her frequent diner card. At this point I got triple seated and was too busy to deal with this crazy lady any more. I didn't have her cards. I gave them both to the manager. I ran and found the manager and told him crazy lady was insisting I never gave back her cards. He tore the place apart looking, with the assistance of a second manager and myself. Nobody could find her cards. The lady was beyond irate.

The manager asked her to look through her purse and double check if she had her credit card or frequent diner card. She was pissed! Finally she found BOTH her cards in her purse and turned and walked out the door without apologizing to the manager or staff about accusing us of stealing her cards.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, LADY!!!